“Only his mother could love him”

So, dae any o’ youse play petanque?  Ah dae.  Do any o’ youse get callouses on yer nose frae pushin’ the petanque balls?  Ah dae.  Ah might huvtae claim ACC (Accidents to Canines Compensation) ‘cos sometimes it gets red raw and ah might need a wee poultice.  Ma petanque demonstrations are becoming very popular.  I wont say that it’s necessarily the only reason folk come tae the vineyard but Ah’m certainly a main attraction.  It shows ah tak’ ma role seriously as public relations adviser.  Even as blood runs frae ma’ nose ah soldier on in all weathers, pushin’ petanque balls (through pain and sufferin’) just so’s tae mak the customer satisfied.  Ah’m quite a martyr tae it.

Mind you ah was awfie embarrassed the other day.  Ma Ma came tae visit – no’ ma Ma, ma real Ma (frae Ngarawahia).  She lives in Greytoon noo wi’ an offy nice wummin ca’ed Janet.  So there wus I, entertaining the punters wi ma petanque ba’ when, without a by your leave, upsteps this very smart lookin’ wummin (dug).  She was beautifully coiffeured an’ aw that stuff, quite stunning really (the dug that is – oh aye and the wummin too). 

“Hey McLeod come and meet yer mither” says ma Ma (human).  Well Ah was black affronted.  Here wus I with biddy bids in ma fur, ma nose shiny frae a’ the petanque and ah had tae meet this glamorous wummin (an’ her mistress).  Well, of course ah wis pleased tae see her – recognized her right away.  We had a wee sniff thegither – nice.  But, ah was that embarrassed by my appearance that ah felt ah had tae get back tae work, tae ma petanque balls and lookin after the customers.  It wis great tae see her but ah hope she gives me warning next time so’s a kin smarten masel’ up – and maybe let ma nose heal a bit.

By the way, it’s vintage now and they’re a’ busy picking the grapes and bringing them into the winery.  Baxter has been great at showin’ me the ropes.  Basically, you sit beside the de-stemmer crusher and wait for them to tip over the grapes intae the crusher.  Of course, they don’t all get in the hopper and the spillage is free game for smart young dogs like us (well me – Baxter may be smart, hard to tell, but he sure isn’t young).  I haven’t decided whether ah prefer pinot noir to sauvignon blanc.  Ah might just like them both.  Mind you – everything in moderation.  First time oot ah overdid it and threw up in the kitchen beside the cat’s food bowl.  That pit the cats aff so ah ate the cat food anyway and that put ma stomach tae rights.

So, we’re half way through vintage.  Ah’ve no’ been sick again.  The Riesling’s lookin’ nice.  Ah’m quite a connoisseur y’know.  Till next time – bottoms up!  Which reminds me – don’t laugh – ah’m goin’ tae dog obedience classes wi’ ma Ma.  Every Tuesday.  They ask me tae ‘sit’ and ‘lie doon’ and ‘come’.  Right, let’s get real here.  How can they tell if ah’m sittin’ or ah’m doon?  It’s a’ the same tae me.  “Come’ is different an’ ah’ve no’ mastered that yet but who cares?  Ah’m no’ fussed!!

Scots wa hae.