Comedy in the Vines

Ah like the title.  Ah saw a poster fur ‘Comedy on the Vines’ (5.30, Easter Saturday 30th March Gladstone Vineyard) an’ ah thoct “Aw no, no me an’ Bella oan the stage”.  Ah mean ah could dae a wee juggtlin’ act wi’ ma petanque balls an’ tell a few Scotty jokes but what’s she gonnie do?  Naebuddy would unnerstaun’ her.  Ah mean a few grunts can be a’ right at the right time but frankly her timin’s all aff.  Anywise ah read on.  Who’s comin’?  Jeremey Elwood, he’s great, Michelle A’Court she’s rerr and, if course, Steve Wrigley chews gum.  Gettit?  Aye, ah’m a right wee comedian when ye set me aff.

Talkin’ of comedy turns you should ha’ went an’ seen meat the beach at Taupo.  Now this is a bit of a long story but like Billy Connolly ah’ll get back tae the point eventually.  Ye see, we’ve had this great summer and we’ve had the weans Finn and Meg stayin’ wi us for quite some time furst at Taupo and then at Gladstone.  Ah get on great wi’ them.  Well they’ve got me in the watter, speshully doon the river at Gladstone. 

Ah’d never known ah can swim.  Anywise, ah can – sortie.  Ma plan is tae watch the weans get in sae far (up tae their oxters) and then follow them in.  What seems tae be the problem is ma steerage.  Ah keep forgettin’ tae turn aroon’ an’ heid back fur the shore (apparently).  Well by the time ah get tae mid-stream my wee legs are goin’ like the clappers but, being of robust build, it’s quite an effort to keep ma bum up while ah’m tryin’ tae breath at the other end.  So, gravity bein’ what it is, the bum goes down, the wee legs paddle faster, the nose goes up, an’ ah dae a very good imitation o’ a submarine with its periscope up.  Thankfully, the old folks are usually about tae gie me a wee lift an’ point me in the right direction.

Anyway, back tae ma story.  Here ah am on the bonny banks o’ Lake (Loch?) Taupo when out comes this jaicket thing which they pit oan me.  It’s quite comfortable an’ smart.  Anywise, ah boldly go into the watter in my usual enthusiastic manner (oh! aye am keen) and low an’ behold not only am ah swimmin’ but my bums being haud up in the water.  The jaicket’s some sortie flotation device so am able tae Keep paddlin’ in a horizoantal manner wi’oot my bum draggin’ me doon.  So that’s ma story but the comedy turn was when him with the grey hair and beard found a hannle oan the back o’ the jaicket, lifted me up wi’ it an’ started walking along the beach tellin’ folk’ ah was his new fashion accessory.  Ah wis black-affronted tho’ nabudy could tell ‘cos ah’m black oanywise.  Mind you, ah’ll know tell ye what ah cried him when he wis carryin’ me – but Billy Connolly wid ha’ been proud!